We are a Masterpiece

Going through the Scramble has really tested my faith. Today in church we were "praying" and "thankful that we don't have to plan tomorrow because God has it planned for us". Every brush stroke of his is part of his masterpiece. In a way I agree but also greatly disagree. I spent so much money on setting up my future and worked soo hard, then really in the end it got me no where. Is this the plan God has for me? My faith isn't that strong and I can't release my future to him quiet yet.

The Scramble

Basically this process sucked...I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I found out that I was not alone, and my best friend went through the same thing. My heart dropped when I read the only OBGYN spots were at Yale and UCLA.. fat chance. Plan B I submitted my application to every preliminary-surgery spot and family medicine program. By the end of the day I had an offer from a FM program in Long Beach, California. I came home crying, I was devastated. The next morning I submitted my signed contract...a few hours later a miracle happened and I was offered another contract in South Carolina. Still no OBGYN, but in the South, where I realized I wanted to stay. Miraculously I got out of the LB contract and I'm heading to S. Carolina.

I experienced a lot of emotions this past week. I feel like a loser, like I let myself, friends, family and Billy down. I'm trying to stay positive but honestly the thought of a life without stepping foot into an operating room is devastating. My plan is to stick through it for a year and reapply again. I'm not ready to give up although I can't figure out why God is making this such a challenge for me.

"Sorry you did not match"

Today is the day that we got an email notifying us if we Matched a program on our rank list or would we have to participate in the scramble. Nobody knows until Thursday where they match but the email is to provide some kind of reassurance or provoke severe anxiety and prepare you for hell. Unfortunately for me, I got the "bad email" that said, "Sorry you did not match a program on your rank list" and so here I am preparing for the Scramble. Basically they release any unfilled programs (which is only 5 for OBGYN in the entire COUNTRY!!)and all of us who didn't match will be calling and faxing our application. Its dreadful and horrible and its not where I envisioned myself. In fact I feel like the past 6 months of the application process has been a waste..all that money traveling, etc has gotten me no where. I didn't go to med school to be a different kind of doctor, OBGYN is the only thing I want. I'm totally depressed. I'm really scared. My biggest fear is not being an OBGYN, my second fear is that Billy and I will be forced to separate. I'm trying to cheer up but i'm still grieving. The scramble starts tomorrow so I'll pull it together by then, but this totally, totally sucks!!

MSG Migraine

Saturday Billy and I went to the mall. After walking around we found ourselves STARVING...we both agreed upon chinese....me chicken and rice, him something similar but healthier of course. After all, I haven't really ever had "chinese". Not much later the worst headache of my life appeared. I can count a couple of horrible headaches in my life, but nothing that stopped me from working or getting my stuff done. In fact I've actually made fun of people who came to the ER for "severe headaches"- unless of course it was a stroke or something with abnormal imaging pathology. Anyways, Saturday night I practically begged Billy to take me to the ER, but he reminded me that I would just be pissed off with a $2000 bill for a pain med injection that would most likely make me vomit. Despite my head throbbing, tears rolling down my face, etc, I still found myself rational and overdosed on as much pain medication that I could tolerate w/o killing myself. In addition, several Benadryl later I woke up pain free. Wow, my new found sympathy for migraine sufferers...they do deserve a trip to the ER and if I'm on duty, give them everything I possibly can to help them!!

UroGyn

I'm two weeks into my urogyn rotation. The guys I'm working with are hilarious and very laid back. My Attending gives me topics to read which I can recite the following day but I'm still "practical urogyn retarded"...I'm working on it. I am proud that not all old lady vaginas looks the same. First degree prolapse now looks a little different than third degree. My Attendings are pioneers with surgical procedures so I'm totally up to date with trends. Additionally, I'm writing up a case study. All in hopes of a fellowship.
Match is next week so I'm getting a bit excited and scared. I'm mentally preparing for the scramble, just to be safe. I worry a little about Billy and I, but again I have to have faith. Tonight I'm signing the paperwork to sell the house. Billy and I have been busy fixing it up.